Social Anxiety

'You look at me and see the girl
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see'

(Mariah Carey, 1995, 'Looking In' from the album Daydream) 

Imagine that doubting relative, friend or work college, now imagine he or she is on you're back 24/7. Well that's what my social anxiety feels like. As much as I'd love to live on an isolated island like in the film 'cast away' (or maybe not as have never been alone on an island  ), like many, I have to interact with people I don't know. Don't get me wrong I know I have to earn a living, and generally live life to the fullest, but every time I do, it's almost like I get bull dozed with a range of emotions such as worry, panic, anticipation. I also get physical symptoms such as needing to frequently use the loo, nausea, intense sweating, trembling and butterflies in my stomach. 

Things that go through my mind is imagining the worst case scenario, usually consisting of the other person regretting ever socialising with me, there will be many many awkward silences, that they find me annoying, pathetic and that I am unworthy of ever being in their presence . 

As far as I can remember these sort of feeling started between the ages of 9 and 11 when I suddenly became short sighted and wanted to bury this fact . Back then I thought glasses were so uncool, that people would see me as a nerd ( even though I am definitely not as brainy to live up to that stereotype, or else I'd probably be rich lol). For perhaps at least a good six months in year 6 I remember not being able to see the board, thus probably missed out in a lot of vital information, as well as not being able see the swimming instructor.

The first time my family found out was when a family member (either my aunt or uncle ), noticed I was squinting a lot during a day out in central London. I was taken to the opticians and as I dreaded, they found out I needed glasses. There was my reputation ruined lol. 

To go a little deeper, If I am to think about possible reasons as to why I might have been afraid to wear my glasses is perhaps because certain family member who I respected and cared for, and still do, believed wearing glasses were for the weak and they had no hesitancy telling me so, perhaps 5 times a day because I played video games so much . Reflecting back on all of this, I feel like my short sightedness was more about me inheriting this from my dad then anything else. If this is the case, these notions injected into me were clearly irrational, but I was a kid and impressionable. 

My secondary school days is perhaps the height of were my SA rared it's ugliest head. Perhaps the summer before secondary school I had already (at age 11 ) began to go through puberty and realised I was attracted to people of my own age and older . There was this one guy, who I shall not name, in case he happens to read this blog, that I had a seriously crush on ever since I layed eyes on him in year 7. I think we met for year 7 induction, and I thought he was fiiiine. 

Not wanting to accept being gay however, meant I would avoid him at all costs , even though, for some reason the higher powers that be, decided to toy with me and put him on the same god damn bus route as me. There were times he would try and talk to me, but I would keep responses short. In the end  he gave up trying to be friendly and I do not blame him one bit, I was probably came across as a right jack ass, but at the end of the day I did not want to be gay, let alone let anyone know I was, so he had to go lol.

That feeling of not wanting to come across as gay, is  still is a running theme to this day. At least in London, although attitudes towards the LGBTQ are better then many parts of the world there is such a stigma. Words such as 'bati boy', 'Chico mon' , 'shit digger', 'puff' are all words used to insult gay people still today. Which is why despite my now life partner's desire, at times,  refuse to hold his hand in public. It's drama I just can't handle. I've been kicked, chased, pushed, and called out almost anytime I have reciprocated to my partner's public displays of affection . I have and could fight back and make a scene, but imagining having to do that every day, it is far too much effort lol. What I personally do not get is even those that have faced discrimination for being the way that they are, for being born the way that they are came at people like me to spread hate. But I suppose these feelings stem from stone age ways of thinking. As you can imagine; being gay, none white, people not being able to put me in a box, and not being a fan of many things considered 'mainstream' has usually left me vulnerable. I was that kid that never got invited to social gatherings and if I would, I feel it was to fill numbers. 

Anyways, back in secondary school, I was bullied by girls and boys a like. Even by some who seem to be the friendliest,  sweetest people you could possibly imagine today, we're at it, but I guess a mixture of social pressure and hormones made them this way. Kids would be like you're are so gay, you sound so gay only gay people do that, what is with your limp wrist. Amongst a particular group of boys one threw a coin in my eye, one member chased down the hall with a rope, some boys would hide my stuff, some of them bulldozed the cubicle door, them boys were obsessed with me hehe. I mean if they wanted to ask me out they should have just asked hehe. At every opportunity I fought back, but they still continued to carry on until year 11. Those boys were horrible, and even though, I would not even acknowledge them should we come across each other in any social circle online or otherwise, you are a reminder to stick up for myself and that I really could be there for me, when no one else can't or won't.

To go deeper to a previous point, there were times when I tried to fit in with the bad boys, the bad girls, the indie guys and boys, but I think because I was into both rock n rnb, was not that smart, was neither black, nor white, full southern or east Asian, I really did not find a place within any social group. Eventually I use to skip lunch and hide in the library; the feeling of not fitting was way too much. We'll I was able to hide in the library for the most part, and then the rest in a toilet cubicles when socialising became too much. Back then I felt so alone and felt that no one seemed to understand me. 

One boy who I perhaps thought I connected with, due to our mutual far eastern heritage left to go abroad. I remember him mentioning all the other boys in our class in his postcard except me. I wonder if word got out that I was gay. Another so called best friend joined the bullies of 8c. Things back home weren't exactly peachy either. My siblings had their own lives and friends (as they should), and others did not seem to care what I did at school, or how I was feeling inside. It  seemed to be all about their own obsessions and selfish needs with everything else materialistic. 

I would be caught up in certain family members cleaning obsessions, family dramas of divorce, physical and verbal assaults mental health conditions. You name it, it happened. As one family member once told me from the age of 11 'nobody cares what you do in your life'. That was how it felt.  It was up to me and me alone to do well in school; big ask for a kid of  11 who was not born smart, and mental health issues of his own if you ask me. 

As well as crappy countless substitute teachers, I believe it hugely impacted me in not doing well in school. Feels so so wrong saying this when we get free education in the UK, but at the same time where was the emotional and academic support from those that were suppose to guide and protect me? There were times I was forbidden from studying at home, and for the rest of the time was not encouraged. 

 

Through my late teens and early adulthood I pushed myself to go to work dos with people I did really did not know, however each time I could feel the pain inside with to thoughts such as me not being cool enough to hang out with such people. 

Any men I had a major crush on, probably 5, between secondary and sixth form, I was madly obsessed with , yet could not do anything about because they might not be gay, and I didn't want any drama as if I was to come out to them. I remember this one time I had to share a taxi with one of the boys I fancied because both of us happened to have exams that clashed with the subjects we took at the same time, and even had to sit together throughout the lunch break! Someone up there knew very well what they were doing, and decided it was fun to toy with me I swear. 

When it came to uni, I started to date men that were significantly older then men, I guess if I am totally honest, might have been because they were more direct in their approach in terms of asking me out. Not only that, they provided security , that tbh I never felt growing up. Dating and hooking up in general way to much is kind of a decision I regret to this day, because instead of working on myself and perhaps my anxiety , in addition to the trails and tribulations of university I trapped myself into committed, and draining relationships , that I probably could have done without.

For example, I avoided people, including a male lecturer , who I was suppose to have done my 3rd year dissertation with. If I am totally honest, I think the avoidance came with him being male and seemingly 'straight' those people intimidated the hell out of me; people I perceive to disapprove of me, and where after all the dominant figures of our landscape. Media and the people in power are filed with people who match this description. I struggled and still struggle to find my place amongst this perceived bill. It wasn't until I joined a SA support group that I started to feel comfortable around such people, spending more time with people who fit the bill. 

I feel like this has been my longest blog post ever. The stuff in my late twenties till now, is still fresh, so I am not ready to share. Any sharing with this chapter, for now will remain exclusively to siblings, my doctor and my therapist.