Gay, Asian and 'Muslim'

I feel some of you may wonder why I need to put these things together and I am here to tell you people have used all these factors together, to justify their reasons to discriminate. This is within society, and within my own family.

Let us start from the beginning; from a very young age I use to watch Bollywood films tending to have the consistent theme of ‘a damsel in distress’- a female in a sari, who had gotten in trouble with a villainous man usually with a thick moustache. Usually at some point in these movies this female character would usually be grabbed by this villainous man, and the women would yell repeatedly ‘mujay churdo, mujay chur do (sorry my urdu/hindi is weak); in translation, she would be saying leave me alone repeatedly.

For some reason, I at the age of say 5, felt the need to replicate such scenes. The villainous man however was no where to be seen, but imagined. I was more interested in playing the female characters , so I borrowed my grandmothers/mums jewellery, put on a sari, and start chanting ‘mujay churdo’. Least to say my grandfather was quite concerned particularly as, as I recall,  had recreated this scene at least 50 times. Like many children I believe, there was nothing sexual behind it, but I think it’s safe to say I enjoyed playing the damsel in distress role and had no interest in playing the villainous male character. Other possible indications of me turning out to be gay, might have been preferring the female superheroes over male one’s and stuffing a tiger down my top pretending I was pregnant.

This was all done in secret however, and I felt particularly before puberty the friends I did have where mostly boys then girls, particularly to appease society, even though secretly I think I felt more comfortable around girls. So, can you imagine how uncomfortable I felt when I was separated from my female friends due to society expecting me to do ‘guy things’ instead of girl things’ e.g. playing football.

Flash forward to mid and latter years of secondary school; even though I had hit puberty from the like the age of 11, my voice was not as deep, I was lanky and I was not as tall compared to the other male students, with some ‘feminine’ mannerisms .Even though I had not told anyone that I was gay, I was often called gay by fellow male students; and I believe it’s why they pushed, chased thew things at me because of it. Should I have told a teacher; maybe, but I guess on some level I was ashamed of my sexuality. I felt that telling them would pose the risk of exposing my sexuality, confirming my sexuality, which in hindsight was really none of their business, and if my family found out, there would be hell to pay. I think because of this I felt isolated, abandoned and alone. Even when male students did try and befriend me, part of me wanted to push them away in case they were to find out my dirty little secret. ‘Batti boy’ and ‘puff’, or even that is so gay where all used in a derogatory manner and I did not feel like I had a leg to stand on, which such labels, if I were to ever come out.

Leaving school at school at age 18, was a god send; finally, I was free. I met this wonderful guy; gay, Asian and with an Islamic background just like me. We have been friends since, and to be honest do not know what I would have done without him. Men had come and gone, and through it all we still had each other. He’s like a brother / or sister, depending on whether Rupaul’s drag race was currently in season! Even though I am in a stable relationship, it’s nice to have someone as generous, caring, and to be supported, and to support.

I believe, my family officially found out I was gay, from a Valentines card from my first boyfriend. My Muslim uncle decided it was okay to snoop into my room and find it there. I think I was at my first boyfriends’ house at the time; he confronted me upon my arrival; saying how it was unacceptable because of my Muslim name, and that I was a good looking kid who could find a girl if I wanted to.

Upon hearing this I decided to come clean, after all it was who I was, just like being human, or as much as straight men or women were attracted to the opposite sex, I explained that me being gay was who I was. I also knew that if push came to shove I could always stay with my older sister who I knew would accept me regardless, my boyfriend at the time, or my friend. However, it did not come to that.

At the time I was also working in retail and so now feeling brave came clean to few of my work colleagues who in turn must have told the rest of our team, including this one guy who turned out to be a homophobic ass.  Either that or I posted something that some may consider ‘blatantly homosexual’, I did not know this at the time but apparently, he was telling my work colleagues how he was going to have someone beat me up, and that I am disgrace especially, get this, because I had a muslim background. Me and this friend did use to be friendly towards each other, and I just assumed we stopped talking to each other because he moved to another department, yet hear he was spouting this hate to everyone but me.

So yes it’s hard to be gay in still what seems to be a quite homophobic society (which is why I am very careful with holding hands, or kissing my boyfriend in public), but in addition it’s hard being gay and muslim. How I cope with it you may ask? By distancing myself from homophobes, and fighting back if necessary. Because honey, I have enough drama already from other aspects of my life, to be adding more fuel to the fire. At the same time, I have come to realise that just like my race, if people don’t like me for being gay it is their problem not mine, and their loss not mine, because at the end of the day I can’t change who I am, but for the most part at least, the homophobe can.